Just do it – Having the talk with your parents about their wishes during aging

Hopefully, many of you still have your parents living. One of the biggest gifts you can give them is to make sure you will be able to take care of them in the event they can’t take care of themselves. This can be a very hard thing to do.

Most people do not want to face the fact that we all do not live forever. Aging is something we all do but when it is our parents it is especially hard to face. They are supposed to live forever, right? Each family is different so you might be able to skip over a lot of this. Or you may have to add many steps. You just have to tailor this to your situation.

Let me share with you why I feel this is an important one, even though my parents are both gone. I have a friend who is going through a hard time as her parent has consistently refused to let her do anything that might help with this. She has tried over the years and now that her parent is having problems, she is powerless to help without getting the legal system involved. Although she does not want to have to do this, she has to for the safety of her parent.

Her parent will not tell her any financial information – “I have taken care of myself all these years and I do not need you to tell me what to do” but her taxes are not being paid on her home. She has no control over her parent’s medical care and needs it badly as her parent is obviously not taking her medication. Her parent will not let her even take her shopping for groceries.

Naturally, this is causing a lot of stress. What is actually concern on her part is being seen as a control issue by the parent. This could be dementia setting in but watching a love one go downhill with no way to step in and help is devastating when it could be avoided.

My mother was one of the people who wanted to make sure that things were taken care of. She also is the one who use to tell me to “get off your duff and do it”. Keep in mind that even though you try to do this, it may not work. But, you will feel better for having tried.

  1. Figure out why you are avoiding it.
    1. I can think of several reasons. First you may not want to accept that you need to do this. After all, we all want our parents to live forever.
    2. You do not want to hurt your parents. This is valid but it might hurt worse to see your parents in a situation where you cannot step in to help.
    3. Your siblings may think you are sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong.
    4. You don’t know where to start.
  2. Break it into small steps.
    1. Accept that this has to happen. I could tell you horror stories of families that do not do this and then their parent’s wishes were not followed.
    2. Think of the way to approach it. If you have a plan, it will be much easier and helpful than just blurting it out one day.
    3. Do some research for your state as to the legal steps needed. This can be as simple as going onto the internet to see what is required. Of course we all know that just because it is on the internet does not mean it is true. Another place to check is with your friends that may be going through the same process.
    4. Talk to your siblings. This is especially important if they do not live close and it will be your responsibility to physically take care of your parent.   Maybe you are the one they talk to about financial matters. Maybe someone else is more into the medical part of their lives.
    5. Work the subject in to the conversations slowly instead of just sitting them down one day and say “we are going to do this”. That approach usually won’t work and may make them just shut down the whole subject.
    6. Work up to the point of discussing each point. Things I would suggest are end of life decisions, power of attorney for both medical and financial transactions, funeral arrangements, will, etc.
    7. Make sure it is done through an attorney. Even though you may know what your parents want, it if it not written down in a legal manner, you may not be able to make it happen.
  3. Get the materials together.
    1. I covered this in step 2 but basically it is researching your state’s laws, discussing with family members, etc. You could also talk to an estate lawyer, read different books or articles on the subject and many other steps but do not let this be a stopping place or a place to get bogged down.
  4. Just do it.
    1. Get off your duff and do it!

 

While you are at it, think about this for yourself. No matter what your age, you should have these legal matters taken care of. I would like to live forever but I won’t. We have this taken care of and my children are well aware of what I want to happen. There will be no fighting about anything as it is all taken care of. This actually gave me peace of mind as I don’t want them to have to guess at what I wanted.

The Crabby Old Man

I think this is very appropriate.  I wish I could attribute this to a writer but I do not know the author.  It is so true though.  Anyone working with the elderly should read this.

 

Crabby Old Man

 

What do you see nurses? . . . . . What do you see?

What are you thinking . . . . . when you’re looking at me?

A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise,

Uncertain of habit . . . . . with faraway eyes?

 

 

Who dribbles his food . . . . . and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . .. . . . ‘I do wish you’d try!’

Who seems not to notice . . . . . the things that you do.

And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

 

 

Who, resisting or not . . . .. . lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? . .. . . Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you’re not looking at me.

 

 

I’ll tell you who I am. . . . .. As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, . . . .. . as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters . . . . .. who love one another.

 

 

A young boy of Sixteen . .. . . with wings on his feet.

Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.

 

A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.

 

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . have grown and are gone,

But my woman’s beside me . . . . . to see I don’t mourn.

 

At Fifty, once more, babies play ’round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

 

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.

I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing . … . . . young of their own.

And I think of the years . . . . . and the love that I’ve known

 

I’m now an old man . . . . … and nature is cruel.

Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.

There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

 

But inside this old carcass . . . . a young guy still dwells,

And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.

And I’m loving and living . . . … . life over again.

 

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . . that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people . . . … . open and see.

Not a crabby old man . … Look closer . . . see ME!!

 

Remember this poem when you next meet

an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

 

We will all, one day, be there, too!

 

 

The best and most beautiful things of

this world can’t be seen or touched.

They must be felt by the heart.